Just Feeling...Unsure!!!

I'm in the mood to write.  This time it's about what I've been feeling and how I believe my brain injury has been the major culprit of it.  I'm into my 2nd year anniversary of my car accident, or the catalyst for the new me I'm still struggling to get to know.  I want to be transparent with the brain injury world and my friends as to what I mull over in my mind on a daily basis.  First, I want to share a fun pic my sister and I took recently.  She knows how to bring me right out of the dumps when I'm in a bad mood.  You gotta have someone in your life who can just make you laugh and be silly. 

My sister Tiffany and I 

This pic below speaks volumes to me.  So much I've learned about myself could have only come through this injury.  I was too busy to still myself and focus on things that were important.  I was too busy filling my void with activities, relationships, and even great endeavors running away from my emotional pain and losses that I had endured prior to the accident.  The crash made me face: ME!!!

 When will I get back to my normal routine?

This question lords over me like a dark shadow.  Why?  It's the unspoken questions I read from people who are caregivers, case managers, and even well-meaning individuals in my circle. Sometimes I find myself pushed beyond what my brain can handle in order to feel "normal" and avoid being judged as lazy.  It's such an invasion of my healing process, yet I do it anyway in resistance to the injury itself.  I know it doesn't make any sense, but I just refuse to allow this injury to take over my life.  I've already given up so much with it.

Social Routine: I loved going out with friends and considered myself a night owl.  I'm still kind of a night owl especially when I've slept all day or have been in pain forever and finally get a break from it.  That's when I emerge from the darkness and into the light, lol.  I didn't mind being in crowds and attending functions like concerts, dinner parties, and all sorts of odd artistic events where I could enjoy myself while learning something too.  I also loved traveling and driving to clear my mind and hit the reset button in order to prepare for what would be waiting for me when I returned to work. 

My social routine also included community activities within my church and outreach ministries that serve those in need.  ALL of the above activities I did with joy and vigor have drastically changed.  I truly miss not being able to be as active as I used to be.  I feel like a basketball player who's prepared to play the game but must watch the team go on without me.  Yes, I celebrate the wins and success, but I wanted to be more of a part of that win.  My pastor tells me that I am a significant member of the team and it's very encouraging words to hear.  I'm needing to redirect my own negative thoughts about my value.  I think I'm way too hard on myself.  

Work Life: So you may want to know what my old or former routine was, and I will try to illuminate it for you.  I worked a full-time 40+ hour a week job as a nurse case manager.  My job role included multi-tasking: answering phones, writing reports, responding to emails, preparing patients for discharge, while on the hook for utilization reviews to be completed due by 3pm.  Utilization review is a job all by itself.  It requires a nurse to review medical information to determine if the hospital stay or services requested are necessary for the insurer to issue payment for them.  I always kind of felt like the bad guy representing my insurance company if the outcomes of my reviews rendered non-payment for services.  Delivering that news was stressful all on its own and then I had to help the hospital staff come up with a solution for the ongoing care of the patient if my company wasn't paying for ongoing hospital days.  I would often have to speak with patients and their families and try to make sense of their plan of care and provide options.  So basically speaking, my day was hectic, and I had to manage my time, my temperament, my workflow, and my reporting very carefully.  

From the most recent neuropsych exams I had in October of 2016, I was told to not return to a job structured for 2 people as I formally worked.  I was relieved and saddened at the same time because I don't like using the words "can't, shouldn't, or never" too often in my vocabulary.  Usually, when I would be presented with a challenge prior to my brain injury, it was almost like a dare.  I'd push myself to meet and exceed the expectations and I loved having a sense of accomplishment and checking off the tasks on my to-do lists.  

                               Why am I so insecure about returning to work?

To be honest my insecurities about returning to work has a lot to do with the environment I came out of.  It was EXTREMELY stressful, fast, aggravating at times, and seemingly impossible when it came to meeting demands of the company.  I also hated when I had to be the bearer of bad news.  As a case manager, you're supposed to be a miracle worker.  All day long I would listen to problems and process them in order to find the answer.  Post brain injury, it's hard some days to remember where I put my keys.  I sometimes struggle just paying attention to one person talking to me.  I can't believe I used to be on a phone call, answering emails, and dealing with a busy office and the noise of that as well.  I think to myself, "I was awesome!!!!"  You know what, I'm still awesome.  I survived something that was meant to take me out of here or to silence me. 

I'm not physically and cognitively ready to return to work, but I am still valuable.  I do offer friendship, honesty, loyalty, compassion to others, and that gives me the fuel I need to keep going. Also these 2 years I've had off work has helped me to realize what I do and do not want to put up with anymore when I return to work.  NO more chasing money.  I want to be employed by those who understand and will have compassion for those who have disabilities and challenges.  I want to be able to advocate for those who aren't being serviced properly and make a real difference.  

  Why do I feel like this body doesn't belong to me anymore?

For a while, I felt like a stranger in my own body.  When nerves have been trapped, irritated, and just flat out of control, what you used to do normally doesn't always feel quite right anymore.  For me, having dysautonomia on top of the brain injury, I was in for a real treat.  Each time I stand, my body doesn't know how to regulate blood flow upwards to keep my heart, lungs, and brain fully supplied.  This causes extreme fatigue, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, and fainting/near fainting if I don't sit back down.  Try explaining this to providers.  They look at me like I'm crazy.  They see a young, woman and think, clearly she's overreacting or overrating her symptoms.  What's funny is that the vital signs don't lie.  They change each time I stand up.  This is also the reason why I've been accepted to 3 studies at the Vanderbilt Univ. Medical Center's Autonomic Dysfunction Center.  God is so good.  These are the professionals who have devoted decades to efforts to understand this nervous system malfunction and help bring awareness to physicians and providers.  

I'm so blessed because as I pray and seek the Lord for guidance as to where to go or who to trust with my health, he never steers me wrong.  This is another reason why I want to keep sharing with anyone who'll listen about what the navigation of brain injury is like.  It varies from day to day and sometimes hour to hour.  I've learned to listen to my body and give it a schedule.  That helps tremendously.  It's not the body I used to have, but it's the body I have to get used to now. 

 What does the future look like going forward?

I don't even know why I take myself through the mental gymnastics to try to figure this out.  This is where my faith in God is being challenged.  Yes, I'm a woman of faith and conviction, but at times I need to be reminded that I have to continue to speak life over myself and know that God has plans for me that I don't even know about.  Sometimes we as people think God is taken off guard by our derailed life.  Newsflash:  He isn't.  He knows exactly why we have the struggles we have.  He knows what it takes to get us to the place where we get a grip on what's real and what's important.  What good is making a whole lot of money and have no joy or peace with it?  What good would it be for me to continue in unhealthy relationships and circles that would only drain me in the end?  Those were the things I couldn't see in my former life that is glaringly obvious in the wake of my brain injury.  This injury has been a thorn, but a beautiful one.  A prick in my side to remind me to just settle down and heal.